Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
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