he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
