oh god the rape fog is back!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
