apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
