Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
