are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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