she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
