You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
