TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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