Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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