God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
