Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
