i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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