@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
