You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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