ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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