I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
