I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Farmville is her only friend.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
