In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
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He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
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I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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