census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
