How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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