ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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