Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
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It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
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do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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