I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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