You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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