my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
