I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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