coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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