the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
