i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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