If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
