Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
