Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
So many bounce houses so little time
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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