If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
