he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
As shirtless as possible
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
