i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We got so high we made milksteak
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
