My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
