Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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