hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
