Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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