ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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