Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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