I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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