I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think your dad took our porno
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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