I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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