I wish they made helmets for livers.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
