That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I intend to get homeless drunk
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
