I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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