I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
