she woke up with a sticky ear
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
