By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
