Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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